Sunday, July 03, 2005

“No DAY for the BEACH”


Holidays: On the Beach – No Way! Living on and near the shoreline my entire life, locals always know to run for the hills or rope off your parking if you dare stay behind. Where do these people come from (another planet) that are invading (as in droves)? They have to know holidays are the worst time to congregate at the beach.

· Bumper to Bumper 5 mph fender to fender
· Close Parking is impossible after daylight
· Heads, arms, and foreign objects protruding out of the vehicles
· The Loud Blaring Bass called music, gives warning to stay clear
· Pedestrians dart in traffic with no common sense or of hit and runs
· Unbelievable Sightings, you gawk with shock and awe

We have these strange, half dressed, pale skinned aliens, some with screaming children, toting an assortment of camping gear, as IF they are planning on becoming SQUATTERS! Once homesteading is set up, the sand has salted them like a “pig in a blanket”. Then plan B goes into effect, a walk going in one direction “The WATER”. The toe goes first; thereafter the back butt view submerges (thank goodness) into the deep. They walk as being brainwashed like subliminal messages are being conveyed to their sunburned brain. As the trudging journey continues to cover their nappy heads towards another continent, at some point they have to decide to keep going and be shark bait, dog paddle or turn around to seek out lifeguards. Duh! You are in over your head. Routinely, the brave idiots have a red flag pop up and realize it is time to get the heck back to knee deep water and squat again.
Visors, floppy hats, coolers, umbrellas, towels, inflatable floating objects, and then there are the visitors, some of the most horrid scenes you have ever witnessed. (Trust Me) Exposed Ugly Big Bellies are outlawed by the fashion police but the local officials should consider Cruelty to Locals, Indecent Exposure (for the decent individuals with no choice except to stare), and possibly Possession of a prohibited weapon. Soliciting for Lewd and immoral purposes would not stick. Speedos on the other hand, well in south Florida they are accepted but the hometown island I am from in Alabama, the rednecks would throw beer cans in that direction. Quickly the message would be received, and they would run for cover if they have a brain. Why do people go to the beach on the biggest holiday of the summer and put their lives in danger along side these aliens? It is beyond me or my understanding.
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