Sunday, July 24, 2005

Matchstick Men

The last time I was engaged was several years ago. I ended it after I felt controlled and suppressed to paranoia. Some would have called me crazy but I had to end it because I could not go through with it, someone owning my life and more depressed than I was. This person is famous in his own right, being a father/coach of a prior top ten world Tennis Player (AU). Nick suffered from Hodgkin’s disease a form of cancer that he was then in remission from and did not like other people or dogs other than his Pomeranians. Shortly after the split, he immediately convinced his son to move to Cardiff-by-the-Sea in CA, but kept his home here in south FL. He was bitter towards me for awhile, but now he is off with other fights of his own. His influence was extremely powerful and his sweet son has always felt indebted to him for his career, so Scud does as Dad says.

At this time I had my Italian wholesale import business, described in my earlier post “Gucci to Generic Gown, but I too suffered from many illnesses and did not need more pressure or problems. Somewhere in that time I slowly started developing a ‘spin off’ from my Fibromyalgia to a disorder called Agoraphobia. For ones that are not familiar with this type of condition it has different levels and forms of panic. No I do not jerk or have weird body winks etc. as Nicolas Cage (weird that they both have the same first name) in this movie, but I do panic and stay indoors as much as I possibly can. For someone that has traveled to many countries, several revisited multiple times and have lived a life of many people all in one lifetime, this is a huge change. After a few years of it, it becomes normal that is the scary and unforeseen part. I miss most gardening and living in the water.
Today I earlier had a panic attack and prompted me to write this I guess, but it is so common more than people are aware of. My step Mother is always saying to me “All I can remember is you being so energetic and active what happened?” she never really has paid much attention as the years have past. I like things to stay in place for me to find them easily and if I can talk anyone in to get things outside the house I need, I’m extremely grateful otherwise I order online. No disputes or fussing in our home, one request at a time and please no overwhelming expectations. I can be encouraged to go out for gourmet dinner, but do not throw in errands along the way, because I immediately back out. The doctor once a month is a requirement, even though I panic 3 days in advance of knowing I have to be somewhere at a certain appointment time. Last year they put me in the hospital 3 times with my heart and I was terrified, more so about being away from my 'safe zone' home. Crazy huh? They have informed me of the worse and try to fill me with 12 or more meds, but I now diagnose myself and take a minimum amount of their orders. I do what I want to. So as I sit here and write this, I am not only venting and mad with myself but the ones that may think that they have a form of this disorder get help before it is too late. For all others, sorry if this is a bummer of a post but as we say “What are our blogs about?” I am happy as far as content with peace and faith and I feel hope for a future, is that not what we are suppose to do? This is not for sympathy nor being a whiner, just for sharing information to ones that suffer from this that can relate and to inform others that this exist. We always have to REMEMBER always…….that someone else out there has it worse in some form or another.

P.S. For a laugh after all to my friend's blog NJ N NJ or to this hilarious site regardless on how you lean on Politics Hilary 2008 Too Funny not Too!

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